Speaking Mindfully

Speaking Mindfully   by Dr Elizabeth McCardell, M. of Counselling, PhD
Feb 2013

     I often wonder how I can speak more truly in a therapeutic session. By that I mean, speak accurately and not miss the mark: to really reflect through speech, as close to my intention as possible, what I feel is most appropriate at that time and with that client and to speak in response to what is arising in our dialogue, as well as to do my job better.

     The therapeutic conversation is just this. It isn’t the same kind of conversation that occurs in everyday life. In the kind of therapeutic conversation that I engage in, I draw upon the direction and style of  Narrative Therapy as well as Solution oriented Therapy. I also use, when it is needed, a much more intuitive integrative style. The first two therapeutic approaches have a definite aim: to look for and find experiential exceptions to those feelings of stuckness a client feels is holding them back from living a more healthful life. So, in this endeavour it is useful to find and speak the words that will have the greatest effect. 

     This is an active and collaborative therapy where client and therapist are both engaged in the healing process. It cannot be successful by merely sitting back and listening to the issues a client brings. I have to be actively engaged in listening and responding in speech in a way that is as accurate to my intentions as possible.

      It  isn’t always possible to know exactly how my words are received. When I do speak, I am looking intently at the person in front of me. I can see when my words hit the mark by a lightening of the face, a smile, a glimmer in the eyes, and mouthed words of “Yes!”. I can see, also, when I’ve missed the mark horribly. I seen, then, confusion, or a raising of an eyebrow, or worse, total disinterestedness. But, what is the client thinking when their face doesn’t change at all? Where is the conversation heading then? I don’t know.

     So, how do I speak truly, to speak those words that are required at that moment? Before I mull about this further, I shall take a short detour.

      I have been fundamentally and enduringly influenced by a book by Eugen Herrigel, first published in 1948, called Zen in the Art of Archery.  Archery is all about hitting or missing the mark, and its art relies on the establishment and intense practice of judging distances, understanding wind intensity and direction, holding in tension the bow, fingering the arrow, twisting the body just so, having one’s feet firmly on the ground, yet easily able to move quickly, being mindful, absolutely present, and able to simply let go of the arrow. It is a skill that takes a lot of time to acquire. 

Most skills are like that. As with archery, the practitioner of any acquired skill must practice and practice and practice. She needs to have an intention of doing it well. Interestingly though, while she has to have confidence that she will succeed, she cannot let her ego get in the way. She has to sort of hold her confidence present, as well as her doubts, and yet – almost uncaringly – let go of the arrow.  Only then, in this lightness of touch, can the mark be hit.

     Speaking truly, with intention, within the therapeutic conversation is not so dissimilar. Speaking truly for a therapist is an art and a skill. We are trained in the art, but only become skilful through practice, and then, rather sweetly, we become artists in the craft, but never perfect.

I have seen master therapists at work, and have had sessions with them, and what I’ve noticed is that what they say can be still a bit hit and miss. There is however a purpose to the hit and miss-ness (and maybe the therapists are not conscious of this), as it allows the client to say, “Yes, that’s right, or no, you’ve got it wrong,  or, maybe…”. What is going on here is the recognition that a therapist doesn’t have it all in the bag, and that the client is still the expert of their lives, and that it is actually in the conversation, in relationship,  that the work is happening. Things are not being done to the client; the client and therapist are working together on this thing called “stuckness”. In this way, the therapeutic conversation is not archery; it is something much more rich and wholesome. It is bringing health, playfulness, and creativity to our lives (mine as well) so that problem stories no longer take hold and make us stuck.

    One final observation. An endeavour to speak truly by the therapist and hit the mark, or not, is an exercise in mindfulness, and as such is useful as a model for the client. One of my clients has incorporated, very deliberately, this mindfulness, and is thereby becoming very conscious in all her interaction in life. I thank her for  the wisdom she shares in practicing speaking truly.

 Copyright @ 2013 Dr Elizabeth McCardell