The Pain of Being Shunned
by Dr Elizabeth McCardell, M. Couns., PhD
Being rejected by your
group is literally painful. Studies have shown that the same part of the brain
that indicates physical pain, lights up when a person is shunned. It hurts.
Being ostracized, which
is an extreme form of bullying, discrimination, stigmatization, betrayal, and
interpersonal rejection, means your connection and communication with the group
of people you were formerly a member of
has been broken. You are actually excommunicated.
We are social animals,
like other primates, wolves, and lions, and belonging to a group really
matters. In the group, we receive affirmation and support and feelings of being
trusted, and through these, come to know who we are. The surge of interest in social media and the taking
of “selfies” highlights this most clearly.
Just as we are acutely responsive to how other people perceive, evaluate, and
feel about us, so we respond accordingly. If we feel others are disinterested,
disapproving, or rejecting, we feel acute pain (physical and emotional),
vulnerable, wanting to be cared for, angry and dejected. Long term ostracism
can result in feelings of total alienation, depression, and helplessness, and sometimes
the person seeks refuge in drugs, alcohol, and occasionally sexual promiscuity.
I’ve had clients who have known the pain of
exclusion so intensely that they have never been able to “enter” society at all:
forever standing on the outside looking in. Some have been at the point of
giving up.
These feelings attracted negative reactions
from other people in various forms: disinterest, criticism, prejudice, avoidance,
rejection, betrayal, stigmatization, ostracism, neglect, abandonment, abuse,
bullying, and a variety of minor slights and snubs, which perpetuates the cycle
of separation and alienation.
People react differently to being ostracized. Some will try harder to be included, by mimicking, complying, obeying orders, and cooperating with prevailing groups. I have a friend who was badly bullied throughout his school years and to cope with this, he became an avid football groupie in a way few of his contemporaries did.
Some people who were ostracized as children, now engage in hero worship and imitation of sportsman, film stars, and pop singers; some even having radical plastic surgery to look like them.
Some respond with extreme aggression and so
extremist groups begin to look very attractive. I fully expect, by the way,
that some of the asylum-seeking children interred in detention centres who are
feeling cut-off from society, alienated, and ostracized, will, on their
release, join extremist groups and release their rage against us (and I can’t blame them).
Some who are rejected by groups, feel the
pain, for sure, but they are much less affected. Being excluded and reacting depends
on pre-existing levels of self esteem and perceived self worth and this is
contributed to by the level of support a person has received from infancy onwards.
Low self esteem is associated with inconsistent or absent support from primary
caregivers (mothers, fathers, and others), as attachment theory suggests. How
this manifests is complex and embraces the cognitive, emotional, motivational
and behavioral.
If we believe in ourselves, then being
ejected from a group isn’t going to have enduring effects.
Group membership, and this is a membership
of any kind of group (official and non-official) is something we social animals
need. Having a sense of belonging means,
to a degree, conformity to a group’s ethic; an ethic that few in the group will
break, or even question. Questioning and awareness about how the group operates
is valuable. It is surely better to understand how something works than be a
mere cog in its working. Such knowledge can bring greater flexibility to the
group and allow a greater diversity among its members.
Groups need to communicate. The greater the
level of communication within the group, the more responsibility, caring and
camaraderie group members feel for one another. When there is little actual
communication between members, and where the members are largely anonymous, the
so-called group becomes a hotbed of rudeness, crudeness, and cruelty (as many
internet message boards illustrate).
So, what can a person who feels rejected by
a group/society do? How can they re-enter community? Support groups of the
ostracized really help. Such groups build group identity and provide wonderful
individual and interpersonal support. They can be initiated by anyone.
Support from friends, counsellors and other
people, can also help build a person’s damaged self esteem and self worth. I’m
finding that using clinical hypnotherapy is a powerful tool in re-establishing a
patient as a person that matters. When someone feels worthy they can more
easily form relationships and gather friends around them, sharing, laughing,
caring, and this is what a group has the capacity to be.
