Making friends with what scares you

October 2017

Making friends with what scares you  by Dr Elizabeth McCardell, M. Couns., PhD

     There is nothing wrong with being afraid, nor being anxious about it. Being anxious is our way of warning ourselves that we may  not be quite ready to take on this monster that scares us, nor even know what it is.  Treating the symptoms of anxiety is ok, up to a point, but until we actually begin doing the inner work, the object of our fear, and our anxious response to it, will remain wild and untamed, even if dulled by anti-anxiety medication or held at bay with behavioural distractions, like pinching the tips your fingers, or playing with worry beads, or touching a much loved necklace.

     The art of overcoming fear maybe to befriend it.  By making friends with it, we defuse its power and control over us. This can sometimes be done alone, or with the help of friends, but  it is also really useful talking with and working with a professional. Therapists are trained for this. Such work, it needs to be said, may not be short term (though sometimes it is), but the insights and capacity to choose how you might respond to situations that previously would have you in a panic attack, is well worth it.  Combined hypnotherapy plus counselling is very useful, as is counselling alone. This really is a matter of choice.

     One rather effective way is to give your fear and anxiety a name, and “Anxiety” just wont do it.  Etymologically, the word “anxious” has too much baggage, with its roots found in the 16^th Century. The word referred to "apprehension caused by danger, misfortune, or error, uneasiness of mind respecting some uncertainty," from Latin anxietatem.  This meaning hasn’t changed much. In the DSM 5, anxiety refers to “apprehensive expectation” and worry about various topics and events in a person’s life that are debilitating as it occurs  on more days than not. As that manual puts it: “The anxiety and worry are associated with three (or more) of the following six symptoms (with at least some symptoms present for more days than not for the past 6 months). Note: Only one item is required in children. 

(1) restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
(2) being easily fatigued
(3) difficulty concentrating or mind going blank
(4) irritability
(5) muscle tension
(6) sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless unsatisfying sleep)”

     Calling Anxiety, that big nasty creature, something else might be really helpful What of the cute names of “Bruce”  or “Poppy” or “Jazzy”?  By the way, I am not  belittling the anxious person (I have sometimes have anxiety, too, after all), I am attempting to point a way to managing the problem and eventually taking away its power.

     Funny names and visual images that make you laugh are good.  Here, I’m reminded of  the work of Judy Horacek, a lovely whimsical  Australian cartoonist, artist,  and writer. Judy drew a  cartoon some years ago of  a horrible monster sitting beside a woman on livingroom couch and a visitor enters the room. The woman looks up and says in words to this effect, “Come  here and meet Kevin, the bête noire from next door.” Kevin’s expression was priceless. Sort of, “What me, the monster? I’ve got a name? What fun.”

     When we identify our anxiety around scary situations (actual and remembered), and give it a name and an identity we have the beginnings of the means to defuse it, and defusing it frees us up marvellously.

     Fear has many forms and should be acknowledged as having an effect on how we manage our lives. Fear can stop us doing what we love and/or get in the way of enjoying it. So working on anxiety should be done gently, with awareness, and slowly, if need be. There is no need to challenge ourselves to do something very unpleasant or uncomfortable just because we want to break through that fear. What is point of increasing anxiety? So, gently, gently. Try painting, music making, writing, and talking with others about the issue, and if you wish, try counselling.