February 2024
I’ve avoided writing about this ever since I started writing articles for this paper nearly fifteen years ago. Why? Because this topic is too close to the bone for me. Yet, I think it’s time. It’s also a pervasive topic for women and, I suspect, many men. Maybe it’s our Australian tall poppy syndrome, maybe it has to do with “the good woman keeps her head down and doesn’t show up to others”, maybe it is indoctrination from our school years where, often, we had to be like everybody else. The thing is, how much are feelings of shame getting in the way of being even more successful? Interesting thought.
Since beginning research on this subject two dominate ideas have emerged: 1. Feeling not good enough, and 2. Not wanting to draw attention to oneself. I’ve searched long and hard within myself for confirmation for the first and can honestly say that this is not “the” thing for me but maybe it is true for others, I’m not sure of that. Since I don’t really know how much of feelings of shame have to do with feelings of unworthiness, I shall concentrate on the second dominant idea of not wanting the attention.
I should note here that there is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt has a moral dimension, while shame does not. Guilt is concerned with one’s responsibility for a harmful attitude or behaviour. Shame feels different. There is a sense of loss of interior power, a sort of inner collapse. Whereas guilt is likely to motivate either reparative or self-punitive behaviour, shame is likely to motivate either withdrawal or increased efforts in attempts to fit in.
As for me, I’ve never been in any doubt that what I contribute isn’t worthy enough, yet I find it difficult to speak of what I know from my own expertise. It isn’t as though I am spouting fluff nor am I bragging; decades have gone into this knowledge base and when I speak, it’s from that source. Yet I sometimes feel embarrassed when I draw attention to myself; and yet again, in apparent contradiction to that, is an act of self declaration, which I am writing about here. In other words, despite feelings of shame at my success, I still speak up.
I don’t have imposter syndrome these days (I used to when I was researching my doctorate) because I know what I know and I know, full well, what I don’t know. I’m not pretending knowledge. Imposter syndrome is very common in the workplace but, actually, most people are doing good work. Few really are incompetent and pretending a knowledge they don’t have. There was a case recently of a paramedic who had cooked up advanced qualifications over a hot computer, but was found out when the certificates were found to have lots of spelling mistakes! But knowing that so many of us don’t feel confident and yet are doing well, is enough to drop the imposter syndrome belief.
So, what of feelings of shame of being successful? Feelings of shame and embarrassment are social constructs, and as such, can be turned around. When we feel we have been exposed for doing something that is inappropriate in terms of social norms and expectations or inconsistent with gendered role expectations or our social identity we feel uncomfortable, but we can learn to better value the contributions of others and ourselves. Social constructs are fluid and not set in stone. Instead of reacting as though we’ve breached our perceived social status, we could feel pride in what we have achieved. And likewise, pride in what others have achieved.
Feeling pride in one’s work, or any output, is not a dirty shameful thing, and certainly not worthy of excommunication from the community (which experiences of shame can inspire one to feel) despite what some fairly rigid people think. It is a clear acknowledgement that it is a job well done and something to be appreciated for.
Condemnation by others simply needs to be ignored, and our authentic expression celebrated.
