September 2023
A friend was talking about something important and my response, as it typically is, was Mmm. She said how interesting it is the different kinds of Mmms there are. A non-therapist says Mmm in another way entirely, but therapists have an extra tone to their Mmms. I responded by saying our Mmms are all about reading as much as we can about what we hear. We are gathering information, said and unsaid. We are listening to the semiotics, the layers of meaning-making in not only words, but tone, inflection, posture, gesture, facial expression of the how of the other person, what is said and not said.
Reading between the lines is important for working with clients whether in person or online. This requires close listening and very good observational skills. Online psychotherapy has an added benefit: of contextualizing the client usually in their own environment – all providing very useful extra information about them as well as adding to our shared communication, and enhanced communication matters enormously.
Reading between the lines can be described as an intuitive process, even psychic, but, as my friend Peter Nelson in his book, The Way of a Seer, Reflections from a Non-ordinary Life, published 2013, says, psychic knowledge is really just about paying minute attention to all the clues presented to us. Peter is a retired psychologist and social scientist with that acute ability, and we all have it, if we train ourselves. A lot of miscommunication/misinterpretation arises from inattention. The art is thus, to observe, listen, perceive, not only the other person, but ourselves.
Things not yet consciously known can nevertheless be intuitively felt and manifested in our dreams. Dreamwork is thus a very useful tool to practice. The dreams of our clients and ourselves need to be listened to. Problem stories and their solutions brought into the consulting space may or may not be recognized straightaway, thus our need to pay attention to those things that are often ignored.
What we therapists often teach our clients is mindfulness. There are numerous ways to become mindful. I sometimes suggest a walking meditation as a means to develop mindfulness. This may consist of walking barefoot on grass or sand or carpet, slowly, feeling the texture of the ground beneath the feet, noticing how one’s body adjusts to the slow walk: the way our toes grip the ground and relaxes, the sensation in our calf muscles, the extension of legs from the knees, and so forth. At the same time, you might feel the coolness of air on your face, breathed, in saturating your whole self with renewed life energy. Your awareness extends to the landscape through which you walk, for your walking meditation mindfully connects you to your environment. Such close awareness reveals previously unrecognized things in the environment: the jewel of dew on a single red leaf, a water-turned stone, something previously unseen, now delighted in.
The art of mindfulness reduces stress and improves mood. It’s about slowing down, deeply breathing, and engaging all our senses with the environment all around us. As an art it
can be extended to everything we do and are, as we go through life. Learning mindfulness helps us particularly in those situations where we are more reactive than we need to be. For instance, when somebody says something that stirs up old feelings, whether or not they are appropriate, it’s useful to be able to stop lashing out in our reactiveness.
Practicing mindfulness is valuable for all of us. This skill is most obviously useful when what a client says stirs up old feelings in the therapist and the latter, instead of stopping listening to the client, uses that awareness to further the effectiveness of therapy and then deeper places can be mutually investigated.
One thing though, mindful listening and reading between the lines, is never learned as a once and forever art. It has to be practiced in every moment, every encounter, with awareness and intention. As such, we have to be vigilant with ourselves, and with our clients, vigilant toward them, but in a spirit of relaxed allowing: allowing whatever arises to simply arise.
