September
2018
The One Who
Manipulates the Gaslight by
Dr Elizabeth McCardell, M.Couns., PhD
I recently
watched the 1944 remake of the mystery-thriller Gaslight about a man who tries to send his wife mad by constantly
distorting her reality and suggesting that her experiences are false. Things go
missing: a picture on the wall comes and goes, a cameo brooch goes missing,
there are bumps and bangs, and the gaslight flickers apparently without reason.
Her husband controls her, while apparently loving her, in order to keep her
“safe”. As the film rolls on we see this abusive, self-centred shifty
narcissist take things, hide them, cut her off from family, undermine her,
while threatening her with the visitation of doctors to have her diagnosed
insane, in order to find and steal some rare rubies. But, like the flickering
gaslight, this woman has some awareness that something is out of kilter, but
what?
Gaslighting
is a popular term of a co-dependent dysfunctional relationship, not a
diagnostic one. It is a relationship that may occur in partnerships, cults,
even countries, where the gaslighter attempts to control the sense of reality
of the other person, or people.
Quite a lot
has now been identified regarding the cues to look for in a gaslighting
scenario and how it feels to be
gaslighted, but little is known about those who gaslight. This is what I intend
to explore here. In the next month’s article, I’ll explore the gaslighters
strategies for keeping the gaslighted under thumb.
The
gaslighted is anxious regarding the shifting realities, she doesn’t know if
she’s loved or not because her abuser turns assurances on an off (I’m using
“she” even though anyone can be the victim), she feels unsafe, yet told things
to the contrary. She may experience digestive problems (something in the
relationship cannot be swallowed), her skin
becomes itchy and dry almost like a protective layer to the turmoil of
un-understood occurrences, she cramps up, she can’t sleep, etc.
We all need
safety and security, and somewhere we can be accepted as we are. The gaslighter
disrupts all this. Why, though, does he do it? The more insecure the gaslighted becomes, the
more she clings to him, and that is his gain. He likes it that his partner
needs him because he needs her to need him to feel validated. In this most
vulnerable place, he (this is not gender specific) plays with her neediness:
treating her occasionally with mildness
and even superficial kindness or remorse, to give the gaslighted false hope. In
these circumstances, the victim might think: “Maybe he’s really not that bad,”
“Maybe things are going to get better,” or “Maybe I’ll stay, things are looking
up,” but the gaslighted should not believe any of it.
Gaslighters
have an insatiable need to control
others because of a deep-seated anxiety of abandonment. Maybe one of his parents
used their child as a weapon against the other parent, all the while saying
something like, “If you love me, you’ll hate your other father/mother,” where
love is endlessly conditional. For an protected child growing up, there are few
options but to go along with this.
Things are 100% right or
100% wrong, for authoritarian gaslighters. They seek to control, dominate, and
take advantage of another individual, or a group, or even an entire society. By
maintaining and intensifying an incessant stream of lies and coercions, the
gaslighter keeps the gaslighted in a constant state of insecurity, doubt, and
fear. The gaslighter can then exploit their victims at will, for the
augmentation of their power and personal esteem.All gaslighters think they are not the problem and everyone else is. Gaslighters are practically impossible to get into therapy. If they do attend, it is to tell the therapist that their partner is the problem and if the therapist insists, then, apparently, the therapist is incompetent. In other words, they have no capacity for self-reflection, and if that relationship finishes, the gaslighter will move on to someone new. For the gaslighted, their only real option is to be free and find their own feet in the world and for potential partners to be vigilant about what’s happening from the start.
