July 2015
Love, Jealousy, and Danger by Dr Elizabeth McCardell, M. Couns., PhD
A couple have come together, finally, after many years yearning for this
very thing. Their love is raw and tangible. They can’t keep their hands to
themselves, and are caressing the other’s hands, lips, knees. One of them,
though, has bouts of terrible jealousy and it is for this reason they have come
to see me for counselling.
It is often popularly assumed that jealousy is a sign of deep love, but
is actually isn’t. When people are
feeling secure in the love relationship and in themselves (and this is the
crucial point), jealous feelings don’t arise. Jealousy is associated with low
self esteem, a tendency to be anxious and moody, feelings of insecurity, fear
of being socially isolated, not feeling adequate in the relationship, clingy,
and feeling the partner will leave them for another person. Summed up, jealousy
is positively correlated with neuroticism.
It’s hard for the other person to realize this about their loved partner, particularly when the jealous
one is accusing them of all kinds of infidelities: she glanced at another man,
he helped a woman carry her groceries, she greeted her work colleague on the
street (she must be having an affair with him), he wrote an email to his female
student and labelled it “private”, and so on.
It takes time for the non-jealous one to realize the level of insecurity
the other has and that it isn’t anything he or she is doing, but rather that
the problem rests almost entirely with their partner. They’re the ones who need
to learn to relax into the love relationship and not respond in their old way,
according to the scripts they learned while growing up. Jealousy has its root
in insecure attachments formed with their primary caregiver (who maybe their
mother, but not always). The primary caregiver wasn’t emotionally available
much of the time and when they were emotionally present, it was beautiful. And so,
they crave the security, warmth and sense of one-ness in relationships that
might, perhaps, repair the childhood they never had.
Feelings of jealousy are the responsibility of the person having them. If
they don’t take responsibility for their own feelings but try to seize control,
absolute control, of the other person, then the whole relationship becomes a
danger zone.
It might start out innocently enough. The rather awkward John sees, and
falls in love with the elegant Amy who attracts everyone. John is smitten. He
begins to make sure that he is always at every event Amy is likely to be. He
then sends her flowers. She is flattered and thanks him, but is not
particularly interested. He woos her and she, a little bit reluctantly, goes
along with it. They become a couple.
He starts leaving notes at her door, and begins stalking her. She is
never left alone, he asks her where she has been all the time, and she is
getting really scared and angry. She makes sure she is never alone, and starts
to invite other friends to escort her to events. This enrages John. She comes
home one day to a hundred red roses on the doorstep. She is horrified and dumps
them in the rubbish bin outside her house – an act seen by John. He flies into
a rage, confronts her and beats her up, while claiming it is she who is hurting
him.
Thus desire turns from wanting to be with her, to jealousy, and
vigilance and then violence. The roses, a symbol of love, becomes for him a
sign of his undying love. She is just disgusted and throws them away. He feels
more than merely rejected; he is feeling brutalized. He never realized her
actual individuality nor the possibility that she didn’t wholeheartedly welcome his presence, ever.
His brutalization could well have resulted in her death, and rather
frighteningly frequently does. This is not a sign of love, but a delusion and
jealousy is not a sign of loving closeness, but a desire to control the
feelings of anxiety that arise in human encounters and relationships.
I’ve noted above that there is a strong correlation between jealousy and
neuroticism. Studies have found that the higher the level of emotional
instability and the arising of such unpleasant emotions
as anger, anxiety, and depression, the more a person is prone to jealousy. The
desire to fuse with the other person is very strong and every act of theirs
that seems to snub the jealous one undermines his/her self esteem.
A relationship
based on jealousy is an insecure relationship and one that really requires
healing. Love, in its committed and freely entered into form, can begin to heal
the people involved, but this work requires active and responsible owning of
negative feelings. It is at this point that working with a counselor can really
help repair the relationship, or, if this is not possible, release the pair
into their separate lives.
E.E.McCardell copyright
